LOL... Eight

Alright so i dont really know what to do right now. But i don't even know what to say actually. I just figured that since all i can do is write, then this might be the best option. I think its been almost 2 years since we had to go through this last, but it still feels like yesterday. The only difference is, last time i was there... you were there too. But this time im not there and neither are you. Ive never been so right about anything in my life: Everything ends. Now i believe in that 110%. So too everyone who always tells us to be "optimistic"... no. because it doesnt work out. Last week was amazing, it was such a perfect week and nothing bad happened at all. I loved it. It was too good to be true, but i finally got used to it by like Thursday. But then he called and just like that, it ended. I knew it was too good to be true. The moment i got that call i knew something was wrong, i just didnt want to believe it. I was too scared to believe it. and even after i chose to accept that something was wrong, i would never have thought it would be you. It was too unexpected. Too unfair, i guess. I dont understand why people say everything always happens for a reason, because i would LOVE for someone to give me a reason for this. Really. They should try it. Just try to give me a reason why i cant be home with my family when i need them. A reason why this keeps happening, A reason why my 2 year old cousin will have to grow up without his daddy for the rest of his life. Go on, just give me a reason why you never got to find out that in 8 months you were going to have another son. Or why that son, my littlest cousin, will never get the chance to meet you. There are no reasons. How can it even be possible for this to happen because of a game of soccer?! It just doesnt make sense. But what does? Theres no reason why it needs to make sense, so until theres a reason, it wont. Theres so much that we never got to do or say. Today i was watching some home videos in my room, and i found one from when i was like 3. It was christmas and i was sitting on the floor in the family room. Our entire family was there, nobody was missing. And then you came in dressed up in this huge santa costume, and i got scared of you, so you had to take it off, and everyone was like dying of laughter. Those were the best days of my life. When i think about it, i miss them. I miss the feeling like nobody was going anywhere. But now im here, so far away. and im scared because i realized that 3 of the people in the video wont be there anymore when i come home. you wont be there anymore, and im afraid that so much had changed, and i wont be able to handle it. Im scared that ive missed too much. If you could see what was happening right now, it would kill you. Im not even home and i can feel it. There is so much left undone. I was suppose to come visit you in the summer, we were suppose to go out to thet place for dinner downtown. But i will never be able to go there again. I feel like i cant help anybody, i tried to come home, but they wont let me. I even offered to pay for the flight. Still no. The part that sucks is the next time i come home, i wont get to see you. ill never get to play with your new computers and games, ill never get to make fun of your Rangers obsession. Im gonna miss you so much you dont even know. I can still hear you singing that stupid lisa chant thing you made up. But ill never get to hear it again. It makes me wish that i had recorded it when i was younger; because i never want to forget it. I'm so scared of forgetting things, because i know that i cant live without most of them. I'm scared to come home and see you under a rock. I never want that. Its not the way i planned it. I wanted to hear you sing that chant when i graduate, or see you sitting at my wedding when i'm older. You were suppose to be there for that! not a rock with your name on it. Now everything is falling apart, but i know that it will be better eventually. I just don't know when eventually is. But i just wanted you to know that i love you so much. i always will, so please never forget it. And don't let me forget. Watch out for us up there, cuz you can see more now. I promise to never give up on anything. I love you so much and i wish i could come home and tell you that, but i guess sometimes the things we wish for never can come true. and ill have to live with that. My dads coming home to see you, and he will leave this letter with you, so you'll have it forever and always. I wish forever actually lasted forever. Keep a spot there next to you, just for me. Ill see you again someday, I have to go now, but ill talk to you later. I love you so much, and i miss you... talk to you later...
love
Lisa