LOL... Eight

Alright so i dont really know what to do right now. But i don't even know what to say actually. I just figured that since all i can do is write, then this might be the best option. I think its been almost 2 years since we had to go through this last, but it still feels like yesterday. The only difference is, last time i was there... you were there too. But this time im not there and neither are you. Ive never been so right about anything in my life: Everything ends. Now i believe in that 110%. So too everyone who always tells us to be "optimistic"... no. because it doesnt work out. Last week was amazing, it was such a perfect week and nothing bad happened at all. I loved it. It was too good to be true, but i finally got used to it by like Thursday. But then he called and just like that, it ended. I knew it was too good to be true. The moment i got that call i knew something was wrong, i just didnt want to believe it. I was too scared to believe it. and even after i chose to accept that something was wrong, i would never have thought it would be you. It was too unexpected. Too unfair, i guess. I dont understand why people say everything always happens for a reason, because i would LOVE for someone to give me a reason for this. Really. They should try it. Just try to give me a reason why i cant be home with my family when i need them. A reason why this keeps happening, A reason why my 2 year old cousin will have to grow up without his daddy for the rest of his life. Go on, just give me a reason why you never got to find out that in 8 months you were going to have another son. Or why that son, my littlest cousin, will never get the chance to meet you. There are no reasons. How can it even be possible for this to happen because of a game of soccer?! It just doesnt make sense. But what does? Theres no reason why it needs to make sense, so until theres a reason, it wont. Theres so much that we never got to do or say. Today i was watching some home videos in my room, and i found one from when i was like 3. It was christmas and i was sitting on the floor in the family room. Our entire family was there, nobody was missing. And then you came in dressed up in this huge santa costume, and i got scared of you, so you had to take it off, and everyone was like dying of laughter. Those were the best days of my life. When i think about it, i miss them. I miss the feeling like nobody was going anywhere. But now im here, so far away. and im scared because i realized that 3 of the people in the video wont be there anymore when i come home. you wont be there anymore, and im afraid that so much had changed, and i wont be able to handle it. Im scared that ive missed too much. If you could see what was happening right now, it would kill you. Im not even home and i can feel it. There is so much left undone. I was suppose to come visit you in the summer, we were suppose to go out to thet place for dinner downtown. But i will never be able to go there again. I feel like i cant help anybody, i tried to come home, but they wont let me. I even offered to pay for the flight. Still no. The part that sucks is the next time i come home, i wont get to see you. ill never get to play with your new computers and games, ill never get to make fun of your Rangers obsession. Im gonna miss you so much you dont even know. I can still hear you singing that stupid lisa chant thing you made up. But ill never get to hear it again. It makes me wish that i had recorded it when i was younger; because i never want to forget it. I'm so scared of forgetting things, because i know that i cant live without most of them. I'm scared to come home and see you under a rock. I never want that. Its not the way i planned it. I wanted to hear you sing that chant when i graduate, or see you sitting at my wedding when i'm older. You were suppose to be there for that! not a rock with your name on it. Now everything is falling apart, but i know that it will be better eventually. I just don't know when eventually is. But i just wanted you to know that i love you so much. i always will, so please never forget it. And don't let me forget. Watch out for us up there, cuz you can see more now. I promise to never give up on anything. I love you so much and i wish i could come home and tell you that, but i guess sometimes the things we wish for never can come true. and ill have to live with that. My dads coming home to see you, and he will leave this letter with you, so you'll have it forever and always. I wish forever actually lasted forever. Keep a spot there next to you, just for me. Ill see you again someday, I have to go now, but ill talk to you later. I love you so much, and i miss you... talk to you later...
love
Lisa

LOL... Seven

So i was on Facebook recently and i posted something in my status. It was just a thought that i had... something to think about, so i posted it to see how others reacted. Now, i have this friend. I have never really met him before, but one of my close friends knows him. His name is Chris, and he is an amazing writer. I really appreciate his words and thoughts. I just wanted to share mt post and his response with all of you because it really gave me something to think about. I put up that post in order to give people something to think about, but in the end, i was the one who was doing the thinking. 


my post :

love is scary... i cannot ever pretend like you are not going to leave. because when you enter a room... you ALWAYS walk out eventually... unless something in that room kills you. Either way... someone gets hurt.

Chris:

...Love is patient, love is kind. It is not self-seeking or self-seeking but is always hopeful. This is a Bible verse, and while you may or may not be religious, I believe the statement to be virtuous common sense.
A room can be entered or left, but it's home. It's a place to look to when not looking for experience in the real world. While it must not be one to be locked in, it is the external representation of flawless beauty within you, me, and anybody.

A room can be compared to the soul. Your soul. It only takes up space unless you make it your own piece of art. The soul for love is never pointless, only when used without purpose. Like your room, be it a bedroom, or any room, invite only those who you think deserve to see it, and the beauty that you choose to forever lay in it. Your room, your soul, your heart.

They are very beautiful words, and they are very true. I have thought a lot about them. They relate a lot to life, love, peace, and faith. Yes, faith. Faith is yet another value of love. Another lesson. Love can be connected to many things, but faith... means a lot to many, it is, for some, all they have in life. The fact that faith and love can be so closely connected is amazing. Love and faith are basically all that the human population have to keep them together. Without love, and without faith, there would be no peace, no freedom, no point to living. I just wanted to share this because it is a reminder to me of how love is not strong enough to keep people together when it is alone, it can only work if there is faith. If we had no faith in love, then we would have no love. This post is a reminder of that, and this reminder came to me in the form of a friend, someone in my generation. The generation that will be running our future very shortly. I realize that with love, and with faith, with strength, we will be able to build our future. And for as long as there are people who believe in love and hold faith in it, then we will be okay, together.

LOL... Six

So, i was thinking: and i came across this realization, this light, that i never even knew before! I realized that there is more to love than i thought, i realized that there are many different forms of love. It does not have to be between two people. We live in a materialized world right? so why must love be such a huge part of life, but only relate to people? See! It shouldn't, and it doesn't! Because love is more than that. Love can be between objects, people, places, animals, anything. An example of this that i can relate to is this quote. It is a quote that many competitive figure/synchronized skaters know of, and since i am a former competitive figure skater of 7 years, i can relate to it too. It goes like this:

we do this because we love it, not because we have to. we do this for the exhillaration of beeds of sweat dripping down our faces, we do it to accomplish what we've strived for since day one. we do it because we don't want to let down our team mates, and because there is nothing that can ever come close to the feeling of hundreds - sometimes thousands of people clapping for us - just us. we do it to throw up over the boards and feel like we've lost 10000 calories when practice is over. we do it to play the game, and shove it back in our coaches face when we win. we do it because it's in our blood; because this is what we've been bred to do. people think they can come into this sport and skate like it's no big deal, but little do they realize the talent that surrounds them. we are the most intelligent althetes in the world; we are rounded. we never let our guard down, we are the sneakiest ones out there. we are the biggest bitches because we can be; because we have earned the respect to be. we back each other up regardless of nothing, and we play dirty. never give up; never give in. impossible is nothing. never fuck with a synchro skater.

See? This quote basically brings together everything that we skaters love about the sport, and trust me when i say we LOVE IT. For 7 years of my life i skated almost everyday. I lived in arenas, they were my home away from home for the majority of my life. Skating was my passion, something i would eat, breathe, and sleep, but NEVER once get tired of. I realize now that, for my entire life, i have looked at love as a bond between two people. Something that has its ups and downs, and something that no body will ever fully understand. However, it is more than that. Because for the past 7 or so years of my life, i HAVE in fact been in love, just not the way i pictured it. I have been in love with the sport of figure skating, and i hope than now, you too will discover that you have been in love once. Just look at it a little differently than before, and you will see!
-- Lisa D

My post to think about...

My quote to think about: "people always leave. but thats really not the worst part... no. the worst part is begging them not to go every single time, and then as you watch them go; you realize that they never cared, they weren't ever really there. thats what hurts the most. So you were like the rest... i thought you said you weren't... so this just means that yea, people do always leave, & lie. I just deal with it. again...Because you had everything and you had so much of it.... but, i guess you didn't care enough to keep it. So... now someone else has everything, and yes. they have so much more of it than you. Let me know how it feels." --Lisa Dingwall